Navigating Alcohol Dependency: A Partner's Journey

When alcohol takes hold, it can feel overwhelming, not just for the individual struggling, but for everyone around them. How do you cope when a loved one faces addiction? This article delves into the profound journey of supporting someone through alcohol dependency, sharing a powerful personal account and offering practical advice.

It's a story of resilience, limits, and ultimately, self-preservation. Sometimes, the most challenging decisions are the ones that can truly change the course of a life.

The Unfolding Reality: A Partner's Perspective

For one woman, her husband's addiction became a fifteen-year ordeal. When they met, she was young, just 20, and he was the life of the party, what many would call a 'bon vivant'. At home, they drank water, but at celebrations with friends, alcohol flowed freely. To her, this seemed normal, part of the fun.

The turning point came when she managed a sports club's bar. He would come straight from work every evening to help her. This is when the regular intoxication truly began. For her, an 'alcoholic' was someone constantly drunk, not someone who simply drank too much. So, when he was intoxicated, she'd acknowledge a problem. But when he drank just enough to feel 'right', she didn't realise the quantity consumed, and to her, he wasn't 'ill'.

Years passed before she truly grasped the gravity of the situation, as the episodes of drunkenness became increasingly frequent. Intoxication meant illness upon returning home, and she was always the one to clean up. On top of that, she tried desperately to shield her children from witnessing anything distressing. Yet, children hear everything, even if they don't always see. She was in her own bubble, not fully comprehending the impact at the time. She would clean, and often plead, "You have to stop, you have to stop drinking." His usual reply? "I promise, I promise. Monday, after the weekend, I'll stop." Because he didn't drink at home, she convinced herself he wasn't drinking, but he was undoubtedly getting his doses elsewhere.

Her own family started to distance themselves. Invitations ceased, as every gathering seemed to end in disaster, with him ruining everything. Eventually, she dreaded family events, knowing they would inevitably end badly.

Over time, unpaid bills began to mount. Drinking outside the home meant spending money they didn't have. He was the sole earner, a factory worker, and with two children, they struggled to make ends meet, often not even reaching the middle of the month. Bailiffs even came knocking. The shame of a bailiff at the door was immense. She went to extraordinary lengths to hide everything. She too was in denial. The typical image of an alcoholic – homeless, bottle in hand, abusive – was so far from her husband that she refused to accept it. She would bend over backwards to fix his mistakes, ensuring no one would see them.

The first major warning sign was a driving ban due to drink-driving. Then came blood tests and sick leaves due to minor work accidents, all under the influence of alcohol. The problems spiralled.

A point came where he was too weak to go to work. Yet, he lied, pretending to leave for work each morning, only to spend his days in bars, getting his dose, and returning home as if he'd completed a full shift. His workplace, however, had noticed and sent a dismissal letter. The sight of the registered post made her heart sink, fearing another unpaid bill. Opening it to find the dismissal procedure felt like the sky had fallen in. She still gets shivers recalling it, describing it as a kick to the backside.

That was her breaking point. "This has to stop," she declared. When he arrived home, seemingly carefree, she confronted him. "Where have you been?" He replied, "Work." The truth burst out: "You're a liar!" "No, I'm not," he retorted. "Then what's this?" she asked, showing him the dismissal letter. It was an electrifying shock for her, and it was then he said, "Alright, I'll get treatment."

He entered a clinic on 14th February 2001 – a truly memorable Valentine's Day. She remembers accompanying him, sitting in the waiting room for the psychiatrist. He spat, "Happy now? You got what you wanted. You're locking me up here, and you'll keep the house and the children." That hurt deeply, but she told herself, "Don't give up, don't give up. It has to go all the way." She laid down the law: "I don't want to see you at home. I'll call you every evening. On Saturday afternoon, I'll come alone to collect the dirty laundry, and on Sunday afternoon, I'll bring clean clothes and the children. But you focus on yourself, you get well."

She even went to a family court judge due to mounting consumer credit debts. The judge appointed her as his guardian. He was hospitalised for eight months. During that time, she paid everything back. She needed to regain her dignity and pride. She needed to take action for herself. It was then she realised she was an 'accompanist', not in codependency. She was no longer doing things *for* him; he had to do them for himself, and she would do things for herself. She learned to praise him when he did well and to tell him when things weren't right. It was also then that they truly learned to communicate.

His time in treatment was a period of distance, but his return home was another challenge. They talked, they started doing more things together, notably joining an association. He had learned about 'La Santé de la Famille' (Family Health), a support association, during his treatment. He liked the 'family' aspect and that families could attend. He encouraged her: "You know, you can come with the children, there are loads of activities." At first, she hesitated, thinking it was 'his thing'. But she started attending support groups herself and gradually found solace. She realised she wasn't alone; other women had experienced similar struggles.

Even her children opened her eyes, reminding her of things she'd forgotten. No physical violence, but verbal abuse, yes. Her daughter recalled her saying she wished he'd die in a car accident, hitting a tree, without harming anyone else. She'd even used the word 'croak'. These words were so harsh she'd repressed them. She still doesn't want to remember them.

Things gradually found their place. She learned to trust him again, giving him a second chance. He had lost it, but he now proves every day that he deserves that trust. Regaining trust took months, then years. Today, they communicate far more openly than they did even at the beginning of their marriage. They are inseparable. But it took time, and it took work, especially on her part.

During her psychotherapy, her psychiatrist asked a pivotal question: "What do you do for yourself?" She couldn't answer. She had always lived for others – her husband and children – with nothing left for herself. The one thing she did was enrol in yoga classes. There, she learned to let go and breathe. Today, she is truly happy, and her husband, Dominique, echoes that sentiment. They regularly see their children and grandchildren, who are their sunshine and joy. Her future involves continuing to help others, focusing on prevention and support within her association.

Recognising the Signs of Alcohol Dependency

Before offering help, it's crucial to identify if someone is indeed struggling with alcoholism. Certain signs can be red flags:

• The individual consumes alcohol frequently, perhaps daily.
• Their alcohol consumption increases over weeks and months, in both quantity and frequency, potentially including binge drinking episodes.
• They exhibit symptoms like irritability, anxiety, insomnia, or mood swings.
• Your loved one tends to isolate themselves, may be absent from work, and prioritises alcohol.
• They engage in risky behaviour, such as driving after drinking.
• The person views alcohol as a refuge, a way to cope with life's difficulties.

These symptoms are undeniable and often mask deeper issues. While you can't magically fix them, the support system holds significant power in helping a loved one with alcohol dependency.

Initiating Dialogue Without Judgement

While some individuals with alcohol problems are aware of their issue, others remain in denial or are completely oblivious to their addiction. In such cases, the first step is to engage in dialogue to help them gain a more objective view of their alcohol consumption. The aim is not to induce guilt. Similarly, ultimatums might have a short-term, illusory effect but won't lead to genuine recovery.

Adopt a benevolent and trusting stance, without stigmatising or reeling off a long list of reproaches. Objectively point out specific behaviours when they've consumed too much alcohol (e.g., aggression, sadness) and the consequences of their regular consumption on their social and professional life. Also, discuss your own feelings about the addiction, using 'I' statements to avoid making them feel guilty.

Remember that alcoholism is an illness, and appealing to reason won't always be effective. It can take a long time for your loved one to acknowledge their dependency and accept that they are ill.

Supporting Through the Withdrawal Process

Like any addictive substance, alcohol dependency takes time to treat. After helping someone acknowledge their problem, you must remain present and support them through every step of the withdrawal process. An alcoholic is in a state of distress, even if they claim otherwise. If left alone, they might become discouraged, feel abandoned, or deepen their isolation, jeopardising their treatment and risking relapse. Show empathy, encourage your loved one, and highlight all they have to gain by taking control and breaking free from alcohol's destructive spiral. Once the withdrawal process begins, celebrate every small victory against alcohol. In case of a relapse, do not blame them; instead, adopt an encouraging stance.

However, it's vital to remember that while emotional support is crucial, the support system is not qualified for psychological follow-up. Being there for an alcoholic loved one should not become a burden or negatively impact your own life. If the problem becomes too difficult to manage, seek help from other family members or friends to create a circle of trust around the person and avoid shouldering the entire responsibility. If they vehemently refuse help, your words will have no impact, and it might be wise to alert their GP.

Guiding Towards Professional Help

Alcohol withdrawal should never be attempted without medical supervision. Once an individual understands they are ill and solutions exist, they need psychological support and appropriate treatment. The first person to direct them to is their general practitioner. They can initiate initial treatments and refer the patient to the right specialists (addictionologist, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.) or to a treatment centre for dependent patients. A thorough investigation can then begin to understand the root cause of the addiction and implement treatments for gradual, lasting withdrawal, reducing states of anxiety and depression. Your role might then be to ensure your dependent loved one takes their medication correctly. You can also discuss their treatment journey, ask how they feel about the specialists, and what steps they are taking day by day and week by week.

You can also advise someone with an alcohol addiction to turn to an association. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is well-known, but many other structures are dedicated to addictions. Through support groups, mutual aid among dependent individuals, and sometimes the guidance of specialists working with these associations, your loved one will find a listening ear and feel understood.

Helpful vs. Unhelpful Responses

Understanding how to react can make a significant difference in supporting someone through alcohol dependency. Here's a quick guide:

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q: What is codependency in the context of alcohol addiction?

A: Codependency is a behavioural pattern where an individual allows another person's behaviour (often an addiction) to affect them, and they become obsessed with controlling that person's behaviour. This often involves sacrificing one's own needs to 'help' or 'fix' the person with the addiction, inadvertently enabling the behaviour.

Q: How do I get someone to admit they have an alcohol problem?

A: It's challenging, as many are in denial. Focus on objective observations of their behaviour and its impact, rather than accusations. Express your concern using 'I' statements, e.g., "I feel worried when..." or "I notice that..." Encourage them to speak to a doctor or a trusted friend, rather than forcing an admission.

Q: Is it safe for someone to stop drinking alcohol on their own?

A: For individuals with significant alcohol dependence, stopping 'cold turkey' can be dangerous and lead to severe withdrawal symptoms, including seizures and delirium tremens. It's crucial for them to seek medical supervision for safe detoxification.

Q: What kind of professional help is available?

A: A GP is a great starting point for assessment and referral. They can refer to addiction specialists (addictionologists), psychologists, psychiatrists, and residential treatment centres. Support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) also offer invaluable peer support.

Q: How can I protect myself and my family while supporting someone with an alcohol addiction?

A: Set firm boundaries, ensure your children are safe and supported, and seek your own support. Al-Anon Family Groups are specifically designed for friends and family members of problem drinkers. Remember, you cannot 'cure' someone else's addiction; you can only support their journey and protect your own well-being.

Supporting a loved one through alcohol addiction is undoubtedly one of life's toughest challenges. It demands immense patience, resilience, and a willingness to learn and adapt. The journey is often long and fraught with setbacks, but with professional help, unwavering support, and a focus on both the individual's recovery and the well-being of the support system, hope and a brighter future are truly possible. Remember, you are not alone in this fight; help and resources are available for both the individual struggling with addiction and their loved ones.

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